Karen Nixon's Blog

To Be Coached or Not Be Coached? That is the Question.

I have just had a session with my new coach. I must admit I am impressed. 

I have wanted to write for some time but it hasn't happened. I know I help my clients and some would like my techniques in written form. I have promised to write a book explaining how it works. But I have felt blocked. I start and then get overwhelmed with all of the information I have to manage. I loose confidence in my ability to have it all make sense in an easy to read but elegant way.

I was offered an opportunity to work with a coach. I signed up even thought I was not sure how he could help me. I have had my doubts about coaching. I am sure I have been biased. I think it is necessary to do the deep emotional work to remove blocks. That is what my book is going to be about - explaining and demonstrating how to remove these emotional blocks. 

Well, of course, there are other blocks too. Ultimately it is all about knowledge, knowing what step to take next. 

I know what specific step each client needs to take next. Does that mean I have enough clarity about what I am doing to know what step I need to take next? No. Of course I don't. I am too close. I have my agendas that get in the way. I cannot do it all by myself. My dear clients are smart enough to know that and seek me out. So why wouldn't I be the same when I am tackling something that is unfamilar to me such as writing a book?

My coach has written a book, a successful book that was published is a number of languages. He knows what is needed. It is a relief to have some guidence. I just need to submit and follow his directions. I am confident it will come out well. 

He wrote my mission statement after our first interview. It was so apt, so perfectly reflecting what I wanted and so inspiring, I cried when I read it. 

I trust my coach. 

He has changed my mind about the value of having a coach. I can see after just a couple of weeks how much value it is adding and the freedom and confidence I feel. So much that I wanted to share these thoughts with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A is for Success

Writing a book that is accepted for publication by a reputable publishing company is not easy. Many authors think it is as difficult as winning the lottery.

There are stories about the ledgendary slush pile. One can imagine it being as monumental as  Mt Fuji or Mount Rainier made up of all the rejected manuscripts and soliciting letters. Then there are the dismaying odds of getting published. Most estimates give you a chance of one in five hundred and, then, only after recieving dozens of rejection slips. But getting published isn't a lottery. It's about quality, timeliness and lots of other difficult-to-define characteristics. Here is an example I came across recently.

At a birthday party, I met Mary Groves. Mary is a sixties-something woman who lived a hard life on the land. Mary presented to the person celebrating her birthday, a signed copy of the book Mary had written and that had been recently published.

Mary told me how she managed this feat. She had lived forty years on the land. She had been neighbours with Sarah Henderson up in the Northern Territory. Her life on the land had been full of struggle and diversity and she thought she should write it down.

A critic was not impressed with her first attempt and described it as an editorial. Mary was not discouraged. She thought, "Well if I am going to do this, I better do it properly." She wrote it all again but much more personally.

Once done, she wondered what she should do to get it published. Someone suggested a bibliography of publishers. She bought one. Being of a practical bent, Mary decided to work through the book alphabetically, so she started with "a": Allen and Unwin. 

Guess who is the publisher of Mary's book with an initial run of 12,000 copies?

Allen and Unwin. They loved the book and signed her to a two-book deal.

I was curious. Mary had lived on the land and raised four children. How did she learn to write, I wondered. She explained that her father gave her good advice as a young child. Never use any more words than you need to, he said. She had faithfully followed that advice all through school and life, and especially while writing the book.

An initial print run of 12,000 is unusal for a first time author but the book is selling so well that another 12,000 are scheduled to be printed in 2012.

Mary didn't read about the slush pile. She didn't think about the miniscule chance of getting published. She is not a woman who is wracked with doubt. If she was, she would have never survived her amazing life.

If you want to read her popular book, An Outback Life, here is the link. Mary Groves' Official Site

 

 

 

 

Getting away with theft.

While channel surfing, I hit on the show Judge Judy. She had a young separated couple before her. The girl's complaint was that the male, her ex, had stolen from her. The girl had copies of accounts that proved he had used her pin to take money out of her account several times. Apparently the male did not dispute this but Judge Judy didn't bother inquiring, she accepted that he had stolen the money. The result: Judge Judy dismissed the matter. Can you guess why?

Judge Judy asked the girl what she did when she discovered the theft. Did she call the police? No, the girl said, I confronted him. Did she break up with him? No, she said, he said he would pay it back.

So what did she do when he stole from her the next time? Again she explained that confronted him and she believed him when he said he was sorry and would pay it back. She admitted that she continued the relationship in full form even though he never paid any of the stolen money back.

Judge Judy repeated several times to the girl, "You put your future hopes and dreams in a thief." Judge Judy was unimpressed that now, after using such poor judgement, the girl wanted Judge Judy to get her money back. The girl admitted sleeping with the male after the theft. Judge Judy said there is a name for that, it is called forgiveness.

The girl had, by her actions, condoned the theft. Now when the relationship was over, she tried to take this "forgiveness" back. The law does not recognise this change of mind. If you accept wrongdoing against you, if you turn the other cheek, you cannot make a case at a later date. By your actions, you have declared that any wrong that was done is wiped away.

I have seen many people who have made this mistake. It is a mistake of poor self-esteem and lack of assertion of rights. The girl in the Judge Judy case would protest that she didn't deserve to be treated this way, she didn't deserve to be robbed. Unfortunately, her actions do not support her holding such a belief. If she really believed that she didn't deserve to be robbed, the boyfriend is at the police station answering some difficult questions.

Words are cheap. The thief's words are cheap. He never paid her back and stole again. The girl's words are cheap. She didn't act in her own best interests. She didn't back herself with action. Her real agenda was to keep the relationship - even with a thief. But, of course, she couldn't be with a thief, so she refused to look at him closely and chose to believe his hollow words.

The morale of this story? You get what you are willing to put up with. Make sure it is worthwhile.

 

 

 

 

This is a photo of the sun setting a dusk before the beginning of a New Year. I watched it while sitting on a hill at the Woodford Folk Festival listening to serene music.
The New Year always brings the promise of a new start. We humans love the idea of wiping the slate clean and starting again fresh. We want to leave behind the hurts and failures, the losses and disappointments.
Of course it doesn't work that way. No one can wipe out the past with a simple desire that it be done. In theory that seems like a wonderful thing to do but there is a cost.
I have known people who have blocked out the past. I have done it myself. It isn't wiped clean. That is just an illusion. We wiped it out because it was full of pain and disappointment. When we wipe it out of out conscious mind, we make decisions in the dark. We make decisions without the potential wisdom that experience could give us.
Painful experiences have their purpose. Everything that happens on this Planet happens for a purpose. Of course that purpose is hidden to most of us. We struggle to understand. Understanding is possible when we place the happening within its context.

Why Blog?

I don't want to tell you what to do. I want to give you information that can help you navigate Planet Earth.

I have learnt the hard way. Sure I went to University and studied psychology but that didn't teach me what I want to share with you. I learned from growing up in a seriously dysfunctional family, marrying young, having kids, divorcing, spending a decade in the Sydney Underworld, traveling, working as an taxation auditor, studying Law and counseling people in my private psychology practice for sixteen years.

All that experience is useless however without reflection and integration - in other words making sense of it all and "getting it toegther." I spent twenty years seeking answers and indulging in various forms of therapy and enlightment processes. My clear objective being a desire to understand how our world works, particularly how we can turn despair into joy, grief into acceptance and darkness into light.

Those twenty years have not been easy but this journey has been worthwhile in many ways. Personally, I am now happy, healthy and content. Socially, I interact honestly and compassionately with others. Professionally, I have been able to effectively guide others to their own peace and happeness. With my help, my clients make sense of their lives, manage their emotions and develop effective interactive skills.

My wish is that you find, in my blogs, a gem that helps you make sense of your experience in our sometimes-troubling world.